Bachata Safety for Women When Social Dancing
- Danny Kalman
- Mar 19
- 11 min read
Updated: 2 days ago
For Ladies New To Bachata
This article is a must-read to help you avoid problems and just enjoy the great parts of bachata ✨🎶
For Men Experienced In Bachata
Men, we need to create a better culture…
please read this 🙏👀
The Stories
🗣️ “He grabbed my neck as part of a ‘dance move.’ I was so uncomfortable.”
🗣️ “Some guy licked my stomach on the dance floor. I’m never going back there.”
🗣️ “I kept creating space but he kept pulling me in too close again and again.”
As I’ve taught of bachata (and salsa) students over the past 11 years at my dance academy in Los Angeles, these are just a few of the social dance stories students have shared with me.
Is It Always Like That?
❌ No! ❌
‼️ If you’re brand new to bachata, don’t be afraid.
✅ 99% of social dances are fun and light-hearted 💛 without issues.
✅ Most reports are positive!
Such issues do come up enough though that it’s worth covering.
What We’ll Cover
When dancing bachata:
🧐 What to expect
✔️ What’s normal
❌ What’s not normal
💪 How to handle yourself
🤝 Social dance etiquette
🛡️ How to protect your space
🚶♀️ When to walk away
Includes the full anatomy of a bachata:
Before the bachata 🕰️
The beginning of the bachata 🎶
During the bachata 💃
After the bachata 🏁
Does This Apply To Salsa Dancing Too?
✅ Yes.
The focus is bachata because bachata tends to be closer to the partner 💃 🕺 and lead to more issues, but yes it definitely can apply to salsa as well.
Part 1: Before The Bachata
Who Asks Who To Dance Bachata?
At a bachata social 🤝 it’s normal for anyone to ask anyone else to dance.
👨🦱➡️👩 Men ask women
👩➡️👨🦱 Women ask men
If you’d like to take a break, then sitting down 🪑 on the edge of the dance floor should reduce the number of times you’re asked to dance.
What If He Asks Me to Bachata But I Don’t Want to With Him?
Saying ✅ yes is the default.
The culture at bachata socials is that bachateros 🕺 typically aim to be low judgement, welcoming, and open to dancing 😊 with everyone.
Embracing that welcoming culture, I recommend saying yes to dances as much as possible.
‼️ However, you’re never obligated to say yes!
👌🏽 Declining a dance is okay!
Just say that Danny 👋 👨🏻 told you to say no and blame it on me!
How Do I Say No Politely?
Because “yes”, is the default, egos 💔😕 are sometimes hurt when the answer is no.
To navigate this without crushing spirits 😔 too badly, I recommend just giving a simple answer:
these simple responses:
🗣️ “Thank you so much 🙏 Not right now.”
🗣️ “Maybe another time.”
Notice these answers don’t give reasons.
📍 If you give a reason, I recommend being honest!
Common reason given:
🗣️ “I’m taking a break.”
The problem with “I’m taking a break,” is that when 10 seconds later the guy you want to dance with invites you and you say yes, it can come across as rude.
I’ve seen it happen so many times.
For the guy you just rejected 💔 😕: #EgoAndConfidenceShattered
For that reason, I recommend only saying “I’m taking a break” if you’re prepared to say no to anyone for that song.
Part 2: The Beginning Of The Bachata
Okay – so you say yes and you’re off the to the dance floor…
Here’s what’s next!
How Close Should We Start a Bachata Dance?
The leader 🕺 (typically the man), will usually decide. It’s not a verbal conversation. They’ll simply just lead you with their body language.
BUT….
‼️ Ladies, you always have a right to your own space!
‼️ You should feel comfortable!
❌ There is absolutely no reason that you should feel uncomfortable, or too close, at ANY time on the bachata floor.
📍 If needed, you can actually guide where the dance starts with your own body language!
Simply place yourself in the position where you want to start the dance 💃 🕺
What Position Is Normal to Start a Bachata Dance?
I usually default to a “semi-closed” position. This means facing each other, connected on her back with my right arm, and my left hand connected 🤝 to her right hand.
🧐 In this position, I always leave space between our bodies.
This distance is neutral and should be comfortable 👌🏽 for just about anyone on the bachata floor.
📍 If she’s brand new and perhaps has never stepped in to a bachata class, or is very nervous, I might start in a fully open position with only the hands connected.
Should We Ever Start in a “Fully Closed” Position Or With Full Body Contact?
In my opinion, the ❌ man should not decide this.
I let the lady 💃 decide.
Ladies, if he starts with full body contact and ❌ you’re not comfortable, or even 😨 unsure, just create space and move back to a semi-closed, or even open position.
‼️If he has any sense or intention of being respectful, he should ✅ allow you to create space easily and naturally.
🚩If he pulls you back in or tries to keep you in a fully closed position, that’s a red flag, and his intentions may be something else
In that case, ✅ try again to create space.
‼️ If still difficult, walking away 🚶🏻♀️may be an option (more on that later).
How Does The Lead Let the Follow Create Space in Bachata?
The leader 🕺 still initiates the first position.
📍 However, if the follows shows any desire to be closer or farther, the connection relaxes and she can easily do so.
That’s it!
Gentlemen - Want To Be Close? Start Far
I noticed something surprising over time.
Although I start in a semi-closed position with no body contact, more often than I would expect, follows 💃 initiate a more closed position with more contact on the body.
I believe this is because they feel comfortable 👌🏽 because they know my intention on the dance floor is simply to dance and nothing more.
So, 👨🏻 gentlemen, BIG piece of advice here:
‼️ Set your intention on the dancing and nothing more!
👩🏻 Women tend to be intuitive and can easily feel intention.
👉🏽 Ironically, when you just focus on the dancing, you’ll probably end up closer to the person anyway!
(But you still don’t care because that’s not your intention! Right? 😉 )
Sometimes follows 💃 get so close that it makes it a bit difficult to dance 😅 and I actually end up creating extra space!
Part 3: During The Bachata
Music starts 🥁 🪕 🪇
Dancing starts 💃 🕺
Now what…?
Is This Part of the Dance?
For newer dancers, what’s “normal” in a dance and what’s not, can be 😵💫 confusing.
The lines can be blurry.
This, 😓 unfortunately, is how experienced male dancers 🕺 infamously 🚩 take advantage of 🙅🏽♀️ new female dancers.
🙅🏽♂️ To be clear, NOT all male dancers take advantage.
However, some do, so it must be addressed.
So let’s keep it simple:
‼️ Ladies, if you find yourself wondering, “Is this part of the dance?” then it’s probably not 🙅🏽♀️
‼️ And, even if it is part of the dance, if you’re not comfortable with it, then no it should not be part of the dance 🙅🏽♀️
The Right to Your Own Space on the Bachata Floor
‼️ Ladies, you always have a right to your own space on the bachata floor!
If you want extra space to be comfortable, create space.
Does Bachata Have to be Close To The Partner?
🙅🏽♀️ No! 🙅🏽♂️
Bachata has different styles. A few are:
Traditional “Dominican” bachata F
Modern/Urban bachata
Within each style, there are optional levels of 🤝 closeness.
Traditional “Dominican” bachata can have lots of space, or can actually be very close and intimate.
Sensual bachata YES requires more body contact, but again, there are levels. You do not have to be super close for long periods of time.
A dance also doesn’t have to be all “sensual style” bachata.
Does How Close I Get in Bachata Depend On Where In the World I Am?
How close you get is always up to you.
As for what’s “normal,” cultures do vary around the world ✈️ 🌏
For example, when I did private sensual bachata lessons in 📌 Spain with a very famous couple, I noticed that the lady 💃 instantly was incredibly close to me while we were dancing.
Even as a professional dancer 🕺 with over 20 years of experience, 😯 I was surprised by this.
Honestly, it even made me 🙅🏽♂️ uncomfortable!
I asked her “Do you dance this close with strangers?!”
She looked at me blankly, as if my question was strange, and gave a nonchalant “Yes.”
In 📌 Los Angeles, on the other hand, I rarely 🙅🏽♂️ see that type of close, locked connection.
👉🏽 So yes, a “normal” level of closeness may be different depending on where you are.
👉🏽 However, remember, no matter where in the world, you always have a right to your own space.
How To Create Space On The Bachata Floor
In positions where a hand is on the lead’s 🕺 shoulder, you can put your hand ✋🏻 in front of his shoulder to gently push away and create space.
In most other positions, ✅ gently pulling away with your body language should be enough.
Positions That Are NOT Part of the Dance
Forehead to Forehead Connection
❌ : Forehead to forehead connection (unless you know each and are comfortable with it)
✅ : Side of the head to side of the head connection
Backside Contact
❌ : Man’s crotch touching anywhere on back side of lady
✅: Man’s thigh touching back side of lady, usually on the side of the butt. This is necessary at times for connection and leading
Frontal Contact
❌ : Full body frontal contact (unless you’re comfortable with the person. Also, in Europe, this may be more common than in the United States)
✅ : Close connection almost touching with the front of the bodies, and maybe more connection occasionally
Hand Placements
❌ : Wandering “gropey” hands
Yes : Hands on the hips at times. Possibly on the stomach, but only if the dancers know each other and are comfortable. A hand on the stomach is never needed for more than a split second for leading patterns. The hips are used instead.
If He Keeps Pulling You In When Dancing Bachata
If a lady 💃 attempts to create space and 🚨 his energy makes it difficult, or he pulls you back in right away, that’s a 🚩 red flag.
My recommendation is that if it happens three times, then verbally tell him to give you space.
Is It Ever Okay To Walk Away From a Dance?
🙅🏽♂️ My answer used to be no, not really. I used to tell students that unless there’s a really bad situation, it’s usually best to try to get through the song.
1️⃣ But those were the salsa dancing days before bachata was popular….
2️⃣ then bachata came along…
3️⃣ and then sensual bachata came along…
and the dance floor became more…
😵💫 confusing and 😥 complicated.
So my advice is different now.
YES, walk away from a dance if you need to.
I recommend the following:
Try to create space with your body up to three times 🙅🏽♀️
Tell him 🗣️ verbally that you want space while dancing 💃 ➡️ 🕺
If it’s still 🚨 uncomfortable, just do it. Walk away 🚶🏽♀️➡️
🤔 Will his ego be hurt ❤️🩹 and will it look bad on the 🪩 dance floor?
👍🏼 Probably yes…
And that’s fine!
‼️ If you made the message clear multiple times, and he continued with “other” intentions regardless, then it’s his own fault.
‼️ Or, if there’s some 🚨 egregious action, like licking your stomach as mentioned at the beginning, then of course walking away instantly is the right move ✅
You ❌ don’t need permission to walk away from a dance…
but if you still feel hesitant…
then here is your ✅ permission!
😉 If you need somebody to blame it on, just say “Danny told me to walk 🚶🏽♀️➡️away.”
When to NOT Walk Away from a Bachata
📍 I recommend assuming the best from most people.
Most dancers have positive intentions and will be respectful.
👉🏽 Try to relax.
👉🏽 Try to trust.
Sometimes there are instances of 😱 accidental extra body contact.
Try to be ✅ forgiving and brush it off and just let loose and have fun 🪩 🎊
When it 🚩 happens repeatedly, or you feel that the intentions are different, or “accidents” weren’t really accidents, ✅ then creating extra space is the first step.
Is Talking While Dancing Bachata Normal?
❌ No
❌ You’re not expected to chat while dancing.
When I 🕺 dance, I’m focused on 🎯 dancing and feeling the music 🎼
📍 If we’re chatting, then the quality of the dance 📉 decreases, because we’re focused on chatting 🗣️ instead of dancing 💃 🕺
📍 The connection with the partner 💃 ↔️ 🕺 is through dance, not words.
So, if somebody gets chatty, and you ❌ don’t feel like talking, you can just ☺️ smile and not respond.
They may 🗣️ keep talking.
Smile again and don’t respond again. They should probably get the message 📩 by that time that you’re more interested in dancing 💃 🕺 than talking.
👉🏽 You could also smile and say, “Let’s just dance.”
I do recommend making sure you’re ☺️ smiling! It helps keep the energy light 🔆
‼️ You’re never obligated 🙅🏽♀️ to chat during dancing, and if somebody is trying to chat, then they’re the one who’s imposing. You’re not rude in ignoring it.
Is It Okay To Talk While Dancing Bachata?
✅ Yes!
📍 It’s your world and you’re there for a good time, so if you want to chat, and your partner does too, then enjoy!
Part 4: After The Bachata Dance
Song ends 🎵 and you made it through!
👏🏽 Congratulations! 🎊
🤔 So it’s over, right?
Maybe…
How many dances are normal?
One dance is normal!
📍 When the song ends, what’s normal is to smile, say thank you, turn around, and walk away.
Walking away is normal.
🙅🏽♀️ It’s NOT rude 🙅🏽♂️
But Don’t People Want To Do More Dances Together?
👍🏼 Sure, it happens.
However, most of the time, more than one dance 💃 🕺 in a row is not about the dance. It’s typically about some 🚨 other intention.
Even if I’m dancing with another professional, and it was the best dance 💃 🕺 of the week, I still probably only want to do one dance with that person in that moment ✨
📍 What’s normal at bachata socials is to dance once with one person and to dance with many people throughout the event.
Is It Okay If I Want to Dance With Them Again?
👍🏼 Sure.
It’s your 🌏 world! ☺️ Enjoy it!
‼️ Just never feel obligated.
What If The Bachata Songs Blend Together And My Partner Keeps Dancing?
👉🏽 You can just break the connection, smile, say thank you, and walk away.
What If They Want To Keep Talking After The Dance?
If you want to 🗣️ chat, chat!
If 🗣️ chatting, then walking off 🚶🏽♀️➡️ the dance floor together is appropriate to make space for other dancers.
👉🏽 If you don’t want to chat, simply turn your back and walk the other direction.
‼️ Walking away after the dance is NOT rude. The person who wants to talk is the one imposing!
What if They Want to Teach Me Bachata On The Social Dance Floor?
✅ If you’re enjoying, then stick around for as many dances and “lessons” as you’d like.
However, just know that most guys 🧔🏽♂️ are not “teaching” you on the dance floor 🪩 just because they’re angels 😇 and want to help a random new dancer.
📍 They’re “teaching” because it’s an easy way to keep the interaction going, which they probably hope could lead to more connection beyond the dance floor.
After all, you won’t see as many experienced ladies 👩🏻 on the floor teaching a new guy for 10 songs 🎶 in a row. You’ll see plenty of guys teaching ladies though 🕺 ↔️ 💃
🤔 Coincidence?
Nope 😉
Is It Smart to Learn From Another Dancer At The Social?
👍🏼 Sure, you may be able to get some tips and have fun with it.
It’s assuming two things though:
He knows his role really well 🤓
He ALSO knows your role really well even though he never dances it himself 💯
That’s a 🤏🏽 very small number of dancers 🕺
📍 Like anything in life, you’re going to get better (and not wrong) advice from a 🧑🏻🏫 great instructor than somebody random on the dance floor.
So stick around if you’re 😀 enjoying, but take advice with a grain of salt and know that you’re 🙅🏽♀️ never obligated 🙅🏽♂️
Part 5: How To Practice and Get More Feedback
If you’re in 📌 Los Angeles, we’ll be happy to have you as a bachata student 💃 🕺 where you’ll find a super safe, welcoming environment, and additional bachata safety and other dance etiquette training as part of your learning.
👉🏽 Check out the current bachata dance class schedule at the home page.
If you’re outside of 📌 Los Angeles, look for a well-structured program in your area, or check out our online bachata program at our Dance Chemistry website.
Questions? Comments? Other Topics You’d Like Us To Write About?
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